My Narrative allows me to travel and reconnect with the unsettling emotion I felt during that time. Looking back on this very personal snapshot of my life is hard for me because I feel I am no longer the person I was during that time. My story was about me wanting an abortion. Although I had no proof of pregnancy, I still knew I was pregnant and shallowly wanted an abortion anyway. At this moment I am still pro choice because I adore women and feel certain self decisions should not warrant an explanation. However, at this moment I regret trying to throw something so beautiful and precious away because I have met so many families and women who want babies and can’t have them. It’s a very touchy story. The topic on abortion alone causes worldwide and even presidential debates. Revisiting this story allows me to explore the emotions in my heart because I felt so strong about my decision to get my baby aborted. Although It was 5 years ago, I still remember the way I felt: Pure selfishness and the determination to not let anyone stop me. The crazy part about my heart currently is although I still remember my determination, it breaks my heart to see I wanted to get rid of a piece of me that I cherish so much. I feel embarrassed. I believe my narrative could use some revision but not too much because I wouldn't want to take away the authenticity by down playing certain parts of the story. It was very hard writing this because I believe it shows a selfish side of myself. Although I don’t believe that I’m an evil or malicious person, this story can count as a character flaw. It took great nerve writing this and I think the narrative meets the element of meaningful story telling. This narrative allows me to unlock what I try to hide deep in my thoughts. I totally forget about this story at times because of how full of love I feel now. Then, I was scared and unsure of myself when I actually thought: I was sure of myself. There was also no room for love because I wanted to kill it before I gave it a chance. I think life events and stories we tell about ourselves shape our sense of identity. Life events are what make us, us. The uniqueness in each of us is the reason we all have different identities. However, I do believe the stories we tell ourselves play a major role in the identity process. We as humans have the choice of lying to ourselves about what really took place and believing and living in those lies; Or we can be completely honest with ourselves and grow from the stories, generating better selves. Maybe even provoking honesty in others.
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I've learned that staying true to your morals and beliefs can be one of the hardest things to do in life. Especially when it involves going against someone you care deeply for. I've had to stand firm on what I was passionate about just to stay true to my being. In doing so, I had to leave a very important childhood friendship behind. Like the mysterious narrative Hills like white Elephants written by Ernest Hemingway, where the character Jig had to contemplate a very monumental fate that could change her life forever. It was such a tough decision for her because she wanted to make her male friend happy while trying to ignore what she truly wanted for herself. Unlike this untold ending, my life actually changed because I chose to follow what I felt was right. I respected my beliefs and my then friend did not. Now we are no longer in each others lives. 2 MinusIt was a cold bitter day as I sat in one of the two chairs in David's Bridal. My friend and I sat next to each other in silence. I could hear the wind whipping in the open space of the parking lot over the stiff elevator music playing from inside. I was tired from my two long bus rides to get here. I left work early due to my friends urgency to try on dresses today. I still had my jacket on while we waited for our other friend to come from behind the thick maroon curtain hopefully, to say yes to her would be wedding dress.
The three of us have always been close. However, only two of us were honest about the lives we lived and listened to advice given amungst our small group. The third who didn't like advice but always had some to give, was now coming from behind the curtain fully dressed in her clothes. "What happened, where are the dresses?" I said "Oh, I didn't like them. They all fit horrible." "Well, we didn't come all this way for nothing. We need to a least see what works best on you." "Fine, but I need new options because I hate these three that I picked" The sales woman quickly came over and scooped the three white dresses over her arm and hung them on a return rack. Before we could get impatient, the lady swiftly bought over two more options in the color cream. Ebony then returned behind the curtain to begin the try on process again. "How do you two feel about this one?" She said my seated friend tilted her head and shrugged. "It's ok." I said "just ok?" Eliza said "yes, its pretty but I think it could be better. lets see the other option before deciding." "This has to be the one" she said She let out a deep sigh before vanishing behind the thick rippling waves. She then appeared under the bright spot light wearing the second option. Her face lit up. "This is it" she screeched. "Are you sure?" I ask "Yes, I am! I need my mom to put the $500 deposit on it now!" She called her mom who said she currently didn't have the money. She let Eliza know she would be able to put a deposit down when she got paid on that upcoming Friday. She blew a gasket over the phone! Seeing her act out like this enraged me. "Can you believe her?" she said. "She needs to put something down on my dress TODAY!" "Well, Not everyone has the means to put a deposit down when you want them too." I said "They Need too!" And so do you! You need to put a deposit down on your $850 dollar bridesmaid dress by this week!" "I can't, I don't get paid until next week" "Next week? Girl that's a mess, you need to hurry up and do it when I say." "Excuse me?" I said annoyed "You heard me. I can’t afford to wait for yall to pay whenever yall feel like paying." "Well since you're rushing people" Did his wife sign the divorce papers yet?" "No!" "Well how are you rushing everybody to buy dresses and you don't even have your affairs in order? You may want to worry about him getting a divorce before you worry about a dress." Fire filled her eyes as they always did when someone pointed out her imperfections. "It doesn't matter!" She yelled "It really does." "This is my life and my wedding and I can get married to whoever I want, how I want." You're just mad that you didn't get proposed to!" She quickly grabbed her belongings and left the shop. I followed her out to the parking lot. I couldn't believe that I was being forced to partake in a marriage I didn't believe in. I also couldn't believe these words, the truth, finally escaped my mouth. "Eliza" I yell "Stop acting like that" "No, I'm not acting like anything". "Yes you are." "No, this is my life and as my friend, you need to go with the flow and do as I say." "And this is my life, I don't believe in marrying someone who is still married. I think you are worth so much more. You speak of how woman she be treated and what they should tolerate all the time." "Well this is different and I'm getting married to him regardless." "Just wait until she signs the divorce paper so your marriage can be legit." I said "NO! This is the way it is and yall need to act accordingly, like I said." "You sound desperate!" "DESPERATE?!! desperate, oh really??" "Yes!!! And I'm not putting my money towards a fake wedding! I have two children that I need to provide for who need the money more." It was silent. The American flag up above at the corner of the parking lot ripped wildly through the wind. It was so loud yet free as it danced through the crisp air. We looked at each other for a brief second but it felt like minutes. I felt like Shit. I was normally good at cushioning the truth but today I just let everything out because I couldn't take anymore of the Bridezilla attitude she was displaying. I could see in her eyes that she was pissed. She narrowed her eyes and then stormed off. I shrugged because I felt great and light now that she knew the truth. Hopefully she could also find the self worth she constantly preached about. Wishful thinking because she didn't. The next day she text our group about the deposit she needed us to pay. I told her that I loved her dearly but I would not be in the wedding as well as my other friend. To her, that was the equivalent to saying were no longer friends. I was crushed when I realized our break up was for forever. That our 3 way friendship had now been reduced to 2. That was ok because I felt good knowing I didn't support what wasn't right in my heart. I'm all about women empowerment and I believe that women shouldn't settle for crumbs and should acquire proper treatment in life. I recently had the pleasure of Hosting a paint party for young black girls living in the city. Its always nice when they are my clients because I get to let them experience art. Something a lot of inner city children don't get to partake in because that subject rarely receives proper funding from the school district. Or the children normally out number the teacher and nobody takes the class seriously and is treated like a second lunch. So normally their only point of a personal art reference is coloring in a coloring book or drawing smiley faces and stick figures. While at the party I was reminded by the delicate topic that runs wild in the black community: Colorism. Where did this poison come from? After reading Maya Angelou's My Name is Margaret It became clear. The non fiction piece took place 81 years ago. 81 years ago it was a crime to have any kind of brown skin. The people of that time were treated less human and more as moldable objects. Because of this literature, I have a closer understanding as to why black woman and little black girls world wide still have problems accepting their skin complexion. Telling the story in more depth In my Creative non fiction below. Painting Brown It’s mid day sitting in my hallway at my easel. Drinking warm passion tea on a cold winter day. I can smell the hibiscus and citrus aroma as the sun kissed the right side of my body. Here is where I get the most light in my home . From my huge single window that I purposely decided not to put blinds on and with one pull of my Smokey gray curtain I can see out of every inch of the window so perfect. The roof tops are covered in a light dust of snow and I can hear the wind wisping through the shutters on the outside along with Nina Simone playing softly from the speaker inside of the comfortable hallway. It’s a complete vibe. As I pick up my pearl white paint brush covered in old paint, I feel the old, dry paint flakes of purple, blue and brown connect with my finger tips. I run my fingers through the soft bristles before I dip into the paint. It all feels amazing. I remember when I lost my art. Or my urge to art. I was all over the place in life. I was doing and running around like crazy for others but somehow never taking out the time to do what was best for my being. The feeling of calmness takes over. As I start to paint, I hear the brush strokes back and forth and the feeling of joy sweep over me.
So Happy to reconnect with my art, I sat there for some time in deep random thoughts. One in particular was of the paint party I hosted just an week ago. It was with a group of young black girls all under the age of 13. We painted a black woman wearing a turban with positive words in each of the turbans folds. One fold pink with the word Queen. The next fold blue with the word honor, the following purple with the word humble. Next painted blue with the word love and the last fold pink with the word faith. That was the fun part of instructing. We then moved onto painting the face and I had to instruct the girls on how to mix brown. For beginners they made great representations of skin tone browns. I was actually very pleased but none of the girls were happy with their mixtures even though they were very close to their own skin color. Screaming “I hate my brown” “this ugly brown is messing up my painting” “I wish it was lighter” and even “ I should have just left it white”. Hearing these words cut me deep. To hear these young girls whine about how ugly brown was made me briefly heart broken. I was quickly reminded of all the conversations I had with my mother because she struggled with this terrible feeling her whole life. In our small family she was the darkest and because of that could never find the beauty. I would truthfully tell her how beautiful she was and what shades of color looked amazing on her skin and even how she was lucky that silver and gold both complimented her skin but still she thought I was just saying kind words because I was her daughter. 50 years later she’s just starting to find self love and I am more than proud but 50 years is such a long time for these young girls. Still standing in front of the girls, I quickly began to lecture them on how brown was beautiful and there was no such thing as a wrong brown. Making them giggle and feel silly of ever speaking down on the way God created them because there’s no error in that. Which reminded me of one Maya Angelou's Non Fiction narratives where she wrote about her time as a black girl working for a white woman named Mrs. Cullinan in My Name is Margaret. Mrs.Cullinan taught young Maya who at the time went by her Birth name Margaret, household gems that she didn’t learn growing up as a black girl. One evening Margaret was serving Mrs. Cullinan's and her lady friends. One of the women thought it would be wise if Mrs. Cullinan shortened Margaret’s name to Mary when speaking to her because it was just to cumbersome to keep addressing her by her given name. Surprisingly Mrs. Cullinan agreed and started calling Margaret, Mary for the rest of their time together. Margaret felt so low and disrespected. She felt So degraded that she wanted to be let go from her services. This treatment only happened because of the terrible time of the world and the color of her skin. Before I knew it, the sun went down and I barely had any natural light. Except for the light coming from me. Although I don't know how it feels to be “the wrong brown”, I still know how it feels to be brown and it feels good. I want more brown girls to feel this too. As I finish up my painting, I dip my brush in the cloudy water to clean off the beautiful brown paint and realize I would love to use my art to uplift what once was and still is diminished internally in the black community. I have two brown children so it's very important they as well see their skin to be beautiful and not a burden. I would love to be a light of self acceptance because there’s no way girls of today should wear the scars of their great grandmothers oppressors. The writing process has been and probably will always be a topic to debate. There are so many styles and techniques people find most easy, in order to achieve worthy literature. For me, I must be interested and present when I write. Also, it is imperative that I enjoy the direction in which I am writing so I won't get too distracted. I have written a piece titled Mean Writers, which discusses the writing process at a round table setting. Sitting at the table are famous writers Don Murray, Mary Karr, Anne Lamott and soon to be famous writer, Myself. I have also included memorable quotes from each of their readings. For my personal enjoyment, I have decided to pay homage to the movie Mean Girls by connecting a similar setting and subtly changing some of the movie's most iconic lines. Mean Girls is such a cult classic and I absolutely adore everything about it. Hopefully in reading Mean Writers, I will encouraging my readers to write too! Mean Writers It's currently 12:00 pm, everyone's favorite time of day, writing time! Which takes place in the writing room.The Writing room is a well lit room full of windows filled with tons of paper: You should see it! They have all sorts of paper. Black Paper, White paper, Blank paper, sloppy unreadable paper and even balled up paper. It's always terribly busy with writers amongst their own disclosed communities sitting at round tables. There are the cool writers, the unfriendly writers, the desperate writers, writers who write their feeling and writers who actually don't write at all. And then there was my table and we go by the name "The Papers" We are the coolest writers you could ever meet!
We all knew it was better to be in the papers hating life, than to not be in at all. The Papers consisted of the very tight and always right Mary Karr, the very dramatic Anne Lamott, the intellectual Don Murray and Me, the struggle writer. I sit at the table and ask for a pen so I can start my book titled "the extinguished book" Anne quickly passes me her pen and lets me know that she needs it back. I start to write and for some reason cannot begin. I ask my table mates how they normally begin the writing process. As usually, Mary took the lead and proudly said "In the beginning, when there are zero pages, you have to cheer yourself into cranking stuff out, even if it lands on the cutting room floor." Anne then dramatically yells "It's hard to get your footing, and your fingertips get all red and frozen and torn up." I sit silently feeling discouraged and then Don calmly chimes in and says "Not overnight, for writing is a demanding, intellectual process; but sooner than you think, for the process can be put to work to produce a product which may be worth your reading." I perk up with understanding and cheerfully say "why yes, creating worthy literature takes time!" I neatly begin to write in my best font, cursive. Mary looks at my paper and gasp! She couldn't believe that I was writing so fancy for my first draft. Are you writing in cursive she spits. I stutter and answer yes, why? She says because it's a big ol' waste of time! If you're going to write like that starting off then YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US! Anne rolled her eyes and begin to tell me her way of starting. "First I try to breath, because I'm either sitting there panting like a lapdog or I'm unintentionally making slow asthmatic death rattles. So I just sit there for a minute, breathing slowly, quietly. I let my mind wander." I nod my head yes to agree. Don picked up and said listen. " In Prewriting, the writer focuses on the subject, spots an audience, chooses a form which may carry his subject to his audience. Prewriting may include research and day dreaming, note-making and outlining, title-writing and lead-writing." I'm exhausted I said "SO BASICALLY, Prewriting takes the most time in the writing process." Mary now has a look on her face as if she just taken a trip down memory lane. She snaps out of it and adds, why yes! you would need to find a subject! One time I found it extremely hard to write so I decided to write about "my mother, whom I'd vowed not to write about anymore. But-- surprise!-- that was exactly what I needed to write about -- how making peace with her legacy was something I had to do to become a mother myself." Anne noticed I'm still a little unconfident and said Tiffany, Listen "Very few writers really know what they are doing until they've done it." Don agrees as well and firmly says "We must listen carefully for those words that may reveal the truth, that may reveal a voice." I brighten up and say "I'm so happy with all of your encouragement! I now know that writing is a process and to not be so hard on myself when starting the product. I have to just start, freely." With that being said, the bell rings and I say see you all again on Wednesday. We all freeze and then say in unison "ON WEDNESDAY WE WRITE" we all laugh. We say our farewells and as I make a dash for the door I hear Anne yell "I WANT MY PINK PEN BACK! I WANT MY PINK PEN BACK!" Do you really know your true nature? Finding yourself for most people can take a lifetime. Only because we are always evolving and constantly inspired. We learn to even think and communicate differently and become more open! I wanted to find out my true self. I've reached a point in my life where I feel its really necessary to know who I REALLY am and what I truly stand for. Honestly, What better way to find out about myself than conducting a personal interview? Not just any interview, thee interview! I decided to answer the famous questions in the Proust Questionnaire, composed by French writer Marcel Proust. In doing So, I've found that I care about my Children more than I think. Most times I casually go about raising them because I'm their mother and I enjoy just being that. When actually, it's the Joy they bring to my life that makes the relationship so effortless and me want to be a better person and better to them. Also, I found that I actually do have an opinion on just about everything. While in person, I'm often reserved in saying how I feel about certain topics leaving me to feel like I don't actually care about the topic. That feeling is now proven a lie. Honestly fill out The Proust Questionnaire as I did and see what you learn about your true nature. Please check out my responses below. __1.__What is your idea of perfect happiness?
My idea of perfect happiness seems like it would be total life perfection but I can't really say because the bumps and flaws that I've had to overcome in my life have made me happy. Life changes and I believe during the different events and stages, a different type of happiness is acquired. __2.__What is your greatest fear? My Greatest fear would have to be dying too soon. I want to live and see my children live and finish taking them on adventures. I still want to enjoy all the good things life has to offer. __3.__What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? What I most deplore about myself is that I don't put my plans and dreams in motion. I have great ideas too :) __4.__What is the trait you most deplore in others? The trait I most deplore in others is the lack of humanity and prematurely passing judgment, OUTLOUD. __5.__Which living person do you most admire? I mostly admire my children but more so My daughter because she's so young and gutsy. It took me 25 years to get what she has at 4 years old! The word No used to be so hard for me to spit out, out of fear that I would let someone else down. But not my daughter, she doesn't play that. She says No Politely and means it! There's No compromising, no stroking your ego, No considering on how to make you feel better about her response. NO means no, unapologetically and I love it! __6.__What is your greatest extravagance? I honestly cannot recall because when i want something, whether its $1 or $100, I treat all of my belongings with love. __7.__What is your current state of mind? I currently am determined, tired and very anxious. Not really happy but not sad at all. __8.__What do you consider the most overrated virtue? The absolute most overrated virtue is when people say "a crime is a crime." That's not true( insert eye roll) Ex. The unjust treatment of Cyntoia Brown. Yes she killed a man but why did she do it! This poor girl served 15 years in prison for killing the man who bought her for sex. A forced, sex trafficking minor who was serving actual Life in prison with no parole until she was 50. How does that situation compare to Adults who rape and kill sometimes and don't even get that much time. Adults who kill multiple people just for sport. But they argue that she's a killer so a crime is a crime, I can't. __9.__On what occasion do you lie? I'm terrible at lying so I don't.. I'm always so transparent that i feel a lie is just so noticeable. I usually take the silent not answering that question, hope you forget you asked approach. My current lie would have to be giving credit to holiday fictional characters. I believe, believing in fairy tales makes for great personality. __10.__What do you most dislike about your appearance? I dislike my pregnant belly.. Even though a baby hasn't been in my belly for 4 years now :) __11.__Which living person do you most despise? I most despise cnn panelist Jason Miller. He always goes against the grain!! And When he's loosing a debate, he inserts petty snarky comments and over talks the person trying to make a point. He's annoying! I despise him! __12.__What is the quality you most like in a man? The quality I most love in a man is their physical and visible strength but yet the ability to be Soft and loving. __13.__What is the quality you most like in a woman? Our Compassion. __14.__Which words or phrases do you most overuse? "Oh My God, I can't" - I'm almost never in agreement with anything going on in the world. World wide or local. The world is F'D up! __15.__What or who is the greatest love of your life? I would have to say my Children. Before I feel in love with their father, naturally I loved my mother. But After having them I KNOW and am utterly certain on what the definition of love is, means, and feels like. __16.__When and where were you happiest? It's hard to say. There was a time in my life when i was advancing in what I thought would be my forever career. I was making the most money I've ever made while financial providing for my family. I remember thinking that time was real life happy. Now, I love who I am and although nowhere financially equal to my past, I have more time to love and exert my energy and importance into meaningful things and people in my life and this is happiness on an important level and not just a materialistic image. __17.__Which talent would you most like to have? I would love to be able to sing. The fact that I can't sing doesn't stop me. It would just be so dope if I actually sound good while doing it. __18.__If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? I would change the order in which I did things in my life but then again, I wouldn't have the people I love. Can I change the order and still end up with the people? __19.__What do you consider your greatest achievement? My greatest achievement would have to be every time I commit to something and it turns out great! Wait, is that happiness!? __20.__If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? I would come back as a Lion. Beautiful, proud and Hungry! I'm going to eat and not be the eaten. __21.__Where would you most like to live? I would love to live here in my current city, Philadelphia. Just in a better house. preferably my own not rented. With a big yard, tall windows, rooms filled with light to create and feel inspired when I enter them and definitely more than one bathroom. I honestly hate waiting for a bathroom in my own home as if I'm in the bathroom line at the amusement park. __22.__What is your most treasured possession? My children! but if I have to pick a thing it might be my jewelry. I have some of the coolest pieces that I collected over the years. __23.__What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? To have so much talent and never let the world experience your thoughts and dreams. __24.__What is your favorite occupation? My favorite occupation is Art-ing (decorating, Painting, creating, Inspiring) and being a mother of course. __25.__What is your most marked characteristic? Being loving and forgiving. __26.__What do you most value in your friends? I most value her ability to say what i need to hear and not what she thinks I want to hear. We're different and regardless of our many similarities in hobbies, She tells me when I'm wrong! I'm a big girl. I appreciate that. __27.__Who are your favorite writers? I love poetry and motivational books so i would have to say Maya Angelou, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie and Rupi Kaur! __28.__Who is your hero of fiction? Jon Snow. I mean, he is King of the north. He really can do no wrong. Except for marrying Ygritte in real life. __29.__Which historical figure do you most identify with? I most Identify with Frida Kahlo. She was a loner yet full of love and personality. She didn't tolerate BS and relied on her art as a way to push through. We also Love our eyebrows. __30.__Who are your heroes in real life? My mother hands down! Not only because she raised me but for allowing me to express who I am and not who she wanted me to be. She's so dope! Seeing her strength, smile and resilience through the years. I'm never not impressed. I hope to have that impact on my children. __31.__What are your favorite names? Cameron and Camille. __32.__What is it that you most dislike? I dislike bad design. Why put a handle on a door if you have to push it?.. sigh __33.__What is your greatest regret? My greatest regret is not applying myself 15 years ago in High School. ALSO! My then foolish lack of interest to motivate myself when i knew i wasn't doing my best. Sometimes I could slap 15 year old Tiffany. All she was interested in was working, MTV reality shows, 106 and Park and being independent enough to buy materialistic shit while living at home with her mom not paying bills... sighh __34.__How would you like to die? I would love to die old but not a burden. I can see me being an annoying old lady blaming everyone for stealing my remote, preventing me from changing day time TV efficiently.. I'm going to pray for the best. __35.__What is your motto? If it's good for the soul: Do It! Even if you possibly fail at it. Do it so you can say you've done it! |
Tiffany swanI will use this blog to express my thoughts, creativity, and lust for life through literature. Archives
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